Low Self Esteem

Okay, so I ave been thinking about my body and my health lately.... and quite frankly I have grown to hate the way I look. I am not happy with what I see in the mirror and those feelings have caused a lot of insecurities for me in my marriage, as well as some not so fun health issues.

A little history, okay so before my first daughter was conceived I was 17 yrs old and I weighed 130 lbs. I was very tall and slender, yet I have ALWAYS thought I was fat. Growing up my dad always pushed exercise on me and used to criticize any and EVERY little piece of fat that may have been on my body. There was even a point when I was 16 that I dropped to a staggering 97 lbs (bare in mind that I am 5'7") I became so ill because I just quit eating. That was the only time in my life that I looked in the mirror and I actually felt pretty and skinny. I look back at those pictures now and it makes me cry. I was so sickly looking. So dangerously thin. I looked like I could just blow away, and I cannot for the life of me seem to grasp how it was that I thought I was pretty. And now even when I look back to my pre-pregnancy pics of 130 lbs, I cannot fathom how I ever thought I was fat!

Everyday I wish I was 130 again. It would be so nice, because now, I actually am fat. Now I have a reason to hate my body. After my oldest was born I weighed 208 lbs. That was the heaviest I had ever been in my life. I became so depressed. And when my oldest daughters father left us, I got even more depressed and quit eating again. Within 3 months I had dropped to 170 lbs. And then I met my now husband and I became happy again. I stayed 170 for the longest time. After we got married I put on a little weight because I got so comfortable with him. After we conceived my second daughter in January of 2010 I weighed 208 once again. By the end of that pregnancy I weighed 216. Unfortunetly this time around I didn't lose the weight. Rather, even despite breastfeeding, I just gained and gained and gained. now, 18 months after I gave birth to my second daughter, I weigh 240 lbs. (I have actually lost about 10 lbs the last few months) But I am now THE heaviest I have ever been in my life. Over double the weight I was back before kids. I am covered in stretch marks from my arms, to my stomach, all the way down my legs.

My self esteem has never been as low as it is now. I deal with high blood pressure, extreme fluctuating blood sugar, and severe migraines and joint pain from being so overweight. I hate looking in the mirror, I had going shopping for clothes. I even hate having my picture taken. I used to take pictures of myself ALL the time. Now, I never do. I don't want to keep hating myself. I want to be proud of my body, not disgusted.

So. I have a goal this summer, and I need as much support as I can possibly get. My goal this summer is to lose 60 lbs. I need motivation and support because without it, I just cant even find the drive to push myself. So I hope to start my weight loss journey hopefully this week. I plan to log everything I eat, everything I do for exercise and do a weekly weigh in and monthly pic update. I need you guys! I want this so badly for myself. Help me make it through this and succeed <3