Today is going to be a good day, I just know it. Even though the last few days have been rough due to Nevaeh's illness, the sun is out today, so I know it will be good. The last few days it has just been cloudy... and normally I love clouds and rain, but I have been needing the sun and blue sky. I feel hope when the sun is present. Things have been so rough lately. Just thinking about Nevaeh's dad... having to do all the paperwork and court stuff. It just brings me down. I've been having to relive our past. It's hurts still. Not that he scarred my heart, but that he shows no care for his own flesh and blood. He left her. I know what it feels like to be abandoned. It hurts like hell. To have the one person who is supposed to be there for you no matter what; be there to comfort you when nothing in life is going right... and all of a sudden they leave you. You're all alone. I know what she felt every time he didn't show up to the park like he said he would, or when he stopped showing up period.
It has been over a year and a half since he has decided to not be apart of her life. She was only 6 months old when he left us. He wanted to be with other people and a family just wasn't in his future. It hurt so much, but you can't make someone love you, so we moved out. Nevaeh was only one and a half years old when he stopped seeing her completely. All we wanted was for him to take a U.A. I just wanted to know my daughter was safe while she saw him. That was when he decided he was done and didn't want apart of her anymore.
Ya know, I have been able to forgive him for what he did to me, but I could never forgive him for what he did to our daughter. She doesn't even remember him now though. I show her pictures and ask if she knows who he is and she doesn't know. Maybe it's better that way. But deep down something is missing. She has seperation anxiety... anytime I leave, she get's scared. She has my husband in her life... she knows him as her father. He loves her like his own. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I know one day I will have to explain to her about Matthew... but not today. Today she is happy with her daddy and her little sister. Her daddy has never left her and he never will. She will soon have her daddy's last name too.
One day, when Matthew is brought up again... he will still only be a faint memory or something that never was. And never will be. I pray that when we tell her, that she can accept that it was him and not her. It wasn't her fault that he left. It wasn't her fault that he didn't want to be apart of her life anymore. He was sick, and still is sick. I hope that God can give me the answers I need. That he can help me to let her know that in addiction, we do things that hurt people. It doesn't mean that they don't love us. But the drugs keep us sick. They make us not care. I hope she can understand that he did love her once, but right now, drugs are the most important thing in his life and that it will remain that way until he gets help. I hope that she understands that Tyler has been there since she was a little baby, and will never leave her side. That Tyler was sick once too but made himself better so that he could take on the responsability of Nevaeh being his daughter. That they may not share DNA, but that doesn't matter. He chose to do what her own father wouldn't. He chose to love her, take care of her, and provide for her. That sometimes the people who concieve us, may have brought us into the world, but God decides who are parents really are. That God decided that Tyler would be her Daddy. I hope one day, I have the strength to tell her everything that I just stated here. But right now that doesn't matter. All we need to worry about is today, and today is a beautiful day. The sun is out, the sky is bright and blue, and Nevaeh has her daddy by her side. Today is a beautiful day.
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